Transformation Is Messy
Why You Have to Fall Apart to Truly Transform
“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” – Cynthia Occelli
When going through any change or transformation, things can get messy. You might feel like you're falling apart, but the truth is, to truly transform, you have to come undone. Otherwise, change can’t happen.
Reflect on the most transformational experiences in your life. Likely, the times you grew the most were when you felt like you were falling apart.
As it is in nature, we grow stronger through struggle. A butterfly builds up its wings by breaking out of the cocoon. Without the process of having to push and tear through, the butterfly wouldn’t be able to fly.
When I moved across the country at 27 without a job and not knowing a single person in Colorado, I was taking a risk. I was jumping in the hope that the net would appear. I knew I could no longer stay where I was or who I was. I felt trapped and stifled.
In the vast open spaces and towering mountains of Colorado, I found my footing. I shed my former self so I could start fresh and grow into a better version of myself in a place that felt like home.
There have been many struggles along the way – job layoffs, destructive relationships, a near-death health scare, and bouts of loneliness. But all of that has shaped me into who I am today.
My heart attack at age 31 woke me up to the fact that I wasn’t living my best life. I was climbing the corporate ladder in a job that no longer inspired me. Even as I grew my bank account, my work didn’t fill my soul.
Looking back, my near-death experience turned out to be a blessing that prompted me to look inward and start listening to and following my heart. My heart attack was the best thing that could have happened to me. Anything less severe wouldn’t have grabbed my attention.
Life's setbacks — or even disasters — can lead to growth if you view them as gifts, find the lessons, and see them as happening for you, not to you.
It was risky to follow my passion and leave my corporate job to run my health and wellness business, Firefly Community, full-time. I’ve personally struggled with the idea of success as I’ve worked to grow my business. As a solopreneur, I no longer have traditional external indicators that I’m doing a good job: merit increases, promotions, performance reviews, or a manager to praise me for a job well done. Now I’m the boss of myself—and a critical one at that.
I’ve always set high expectations, especially for myself. That can be risky in entrepreneurship, where failure is part of growth. Combine ambitious goals with high expectations, and you get a recipe for struggle.
Sometimes, I get impatient with the challenges of being a solopreneur and growing a business. As a small business owner, it’s often one step forward, two steps back. Finding what works requires testing many different approaches to see what sticks and what best serves my clients. It involves a lot of trial and error, making it feel like I’m not making progress. One of the hardest parts for me is recognizing my achievements and remembering that each step along the way is a milestone. Every time I move forward or make a mistake, I learn something new that helps me reach the next stage of growth. I’ve had to redefine what success looks like for me.
I stumbled upon this quote from Glory Edim recently, which helps me keep things in perspective.
“There is nothing wrong with wanting success–except for, of course, the tiny caveat that it won’t made you happy. But success doesn’t have to make you unhappy either. If you are careful and wise about it. Success can just be a thing like the weather that comes and goes, changes and flows, that is wonderous to behold, and intrinsically neither good nor bad unless you are trying to control it, or letting it control you.”
Life will always have its highs and lows. The lows can help us not only appreciate the highs but also build our resilience. Like a seed growing into a tree, we might need to break down who we once were so we can become something new. And the new version will likely be stronger than the person we were before.
Transformation takes time. Instead of comparing where we are now to the final goal we’re aiming for, which can cause feelings of lack or inadequacy, we should recognize that wherever we are on our journey is enough.
At each stage of growth, we are exactly where we need to be. And, even if it’s not pretty, we are evolving into something extraordinary, like the mighty oak tree.